Is This The Day Before I Die
60
........was my life a failure.............
After spending countless hours in the sun playing golf and bass fishing over a period of 25 years, I keep having to make appointments with dermatologist to have precancers frozen off with nitrogen. After yet another appointment last week, the procedure didn't go as I was accustomed. My doctor took a longer than usual look at the back of my arm and sighed. After a nervous laugh I said doc that was not the reaction I was hoping for! He said we need to send this one to the lab and have it analyzed. I said I thought you would just shoot it with your little gun and make it disappear? He said this one is irregular in shape and has a black center. He then asked me how long it had been there? I replied that I just noticed it a couple of months ago.
Tomorrow is Wednesday and the day I am supposed to get the results back. My mother survived melanoma after surgery and I know that melanoma is prevalent in our family. I believe today that I found it in time and that the results will be ok..............and of course I also have doubt.
My daughters father-in-law has had cancer for several years now. Just a few days ago the doctor said to call in Hospice because there is nothing left to do. He hasn't eaten in days and cannot go to the bathroom. Today he woke from his slumber and was able to eat on his own without throwing up. He even made a trip to the restroom on his own. He then called for his wife and said take me to the hospital for treatment. She said honey the doctor said not to come back because there is nothing they can do............... He began to cry.
All day I have wondered why he cried. Yes, I know the obvious, but did he cry out of fear? Maybe he cried because of the sadness of it all. Maybe he cried because he is not ready to die. I imagine he realized he hasn't made up for all the arguments he and his wife had over the years. He remembers that time he skipped out on chores to go fishing with his friends an left his mother angry. I wonder if he possibly came to the reality that he will soon stand before his maker and discuss his life on earth. Will God ask him about his love and compassion for those he claimed to love? Will he scold him for not devoting more of himself to leading others to righteousness?
I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter, I love her dearly and wish we could get back to the way things use to be. Hard words have left damage that seems impossible to repair. My hard and stubborn ways have turned her and her husband away and now when we talk it seems like I am talking to an old acquaintance. I disobeyed my parents often and disrespected them in ways no parent should endure. I divorced my wife after 25 years and fell into a deep and sorrowful gambling habit.
On the outside I have a wonderful new bride that I love dearly. I no longer look back at my failed marriage except for the failure marked X on my report card of life. I have been blessed more than I deserve but it doesn't change the things I have done and the relationships I have destroyed. I remind myself some days that I need to begin repairing and doing what is right by others...............nothing like the thought of death to get this bucket list started.
If my doctor tells me tomorrow that I have melanoma, I will ask if there is hope, if he says no, I know in my heart that..................... I will begin to cry.
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great comment ithabise, appreciate the encouragement.
First of all, AR, let's keep focused on prayer, and I will for you that your results are nothing serious. I had Squamous cell carcinoma five years ago, and it was removed and I have not had any further problems.
Second, I think this is a good moment for you, that you are taking a very serious look at you life and what it means. Just know the past is in the past, and cannot be reversed. Let by gones be by gones...make the most of this renewed moment.
It is nice seeing this sort of hub from you, I know you and I are very similar with our political views, and it is nice to get away from that once in a while and reflect on other issues.
Prayers are with you, and keep us posted.
Chris
Thanks C, I have meetings until after lunch then I will go to the doctors office. I'm not scared but I am nervous. I trust God to take care of it. thanks again
I hope your daughter reads your Hub ~ It is so wonderful to think is this the day ~ perhaps if we all had to live this way our focus would have much more clarity. The most amazing thing is you can start this minute to make this the day you are ready. This Hub was a great start at making this that day. Regardless of results today you have been healed. God Bless and prayers for your answers:)
stages, appreciate the comment, taken to heart!
AR - I let a spot on my back go for too long and ended up having to have surgery to remove what turned out to be a non-malignant basil cell the size of a grapefruit. It has made me start paying closer attention because, like you, I was a sun worshiper for decades.
Great information.
The Frog
Nobody leads a perfect life and we all have regrets. I pray your diagnosis is excellent and I will be praying for you.
You will be in our prayers.
Thanks guys! I wrote this to remind all of us to think, Today is Thursday and the doctor said if he didn't get back with me that no news was good news! Whoowhwhwhh! I feel better about the current but will continue to think and act on the other!
It has been a very long time,
and I recall you with fondess......
Many women, self included, have stood in the face of fear, regarding her beloved husband.
I, truly, wish you and yours well.
Wonderful! I'm glad for you. Stay reflective.
Can definitely relate to your feelings -- been there/done that and the initial results weren't good -- but the outcome was. It's amazing what we go through when we're faced with monumental health problems. I did just as you and went over every right and/or wrong thing I'd ever done in my life. I can't change those I've already done but it sure gave me a head's up for the future. That's been 10 years ago and my wake up call changed my life drastically. I considere myself blessed to have had the chance to "make it better." Having read your last post here looks like you can "make it better" too. My prayers are with you and for you, my friend. Best, Sis
Appreciate all your thoughts, and thanks for reading! Comforting to know we all face hardships,
I am praying for you.. this is a scary thing I know.Please let us know what happens.
Debbie
I think you are going to be okay, AR but this trip around the block for you mentally could have been a good exercise. It caused to stop and think...to weigh the circumstances and that is always good. Some folks never do that in life and never notice any damage or destruction they leave in their wake. I can tell you from my experiences of attempting to mend fences with my own daughter, it doesn't work too well unless both parties are in the boat. In my case, my daughter is not even on the dock so as much as I might want to mend fences, the opportunity is not yet there. But, like me, you have given it some thought and that may be the most important step. I wish you the best with that situation and also with your doctor's report. WB
Thanks Wayne, everything is fine!.......or at least on my part! I wish the best in your endeavor also!
It's always a great shame when relationships break down. Sometimes I think we can all be too stubborn and the love that we have for others can get clouded by all of the negatives. I can only hope that you manage to patch up the relationship with your daughter and get back to those happy times of the past.
I much prefer your soul searching hubs on here, rather than the angry rants. I feel it's better to be reflective and to pay attention to personal important relationships that mean the world to you, rather than always angry about things you have absolutely no control over. It sounds a bit grim, but when we take our final breath, we'll be thinking of those we love, not of democrats or republicans and how outrageous it is that people hold different opinions.
For the country, whatever will be will be, for your own life you have a major say.
icount, just goes to show whatever our politics, we are still human I suppose! LOL!
thanks for the comment!
Everything is not wasted by God. I pray for you a long and flourishing life. Just finished Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb, and it puts everything in perspective. Have a beautiful day, up interesting and following. I have been there!
The "repentance bucket list" is something we all need to empty for it alone can wipe the slate clean. In that process you forgive yourself, too. "Fishers of men" is a wonderful title for any devoted fisherman. We all wish you well, for there but for the grace of God go we, and you are too great a writer and human being for us to lose. Update?
Such a beautiful story. Our life's journey is filled with surprises that either make us stronger or break us down. You have chosen to become stronger with your attitude and faith on your illness. Keep focused on your blessings.
Joey,
I hope you feel better; I hope your health improves; and, most of all, I hope just the thought of death is enough to coerce you to be a better person, without actually being diagnosed with a terminal illness.
God bless,
Dan
Daniel, thanks for the great comment! Things are good now, and I am much relieved for the time being! good to hear from you!
ithabise Level 5 Commenter 3 months ago
Take every comfort in knowing that despite your shortcomings you have real loving relationships and a legacy of good. We all have made the same mistakes somewhere in our lives, but regret is a wasted action. You show that you've learned from these things--and are learning--and "Grief and Bereavement" incorrectly describes this deeply-thought reflection. You will be okay regardless of the results, for many reasons, reasons you may see already, or they're presently occluded by the coming results. But you'll be fine. Keep looking up. Prayers on your behalf.