The Shame in My Life

I remember running into an old friend back around 1995. Remembering him to be a good looking, clean cut individual, I was shocked that his front teeth were rotting and his mind didn't seem all there. Later after discussing the chance meeting with a mutual friend I was informed that this person was hooked on crack cocaine. Having no tolerance for those with addictions, I admonished the cocaine user to our friend, saying how stupid this guy was and why didn't people like that just quit!

Around this same time period I owned my own business and was beginning to make decent money. I decided to invest my money, but after a short time I didn't feel my investor was making progress and decided to handle my own investments. I began by reading several books on day trading and once this was accomplished I got online and opened an account with a notable firm. At first my trading was nonchalant, I would buy good stocks, keep it for a few days then sell for a tiny profit, or break even figure. I was only using a few hundred dollars and simply learning how it all worked. After a few months I was getting to the office around six AM and had a TV installed so I could watch Bloomberg before the markets opened. I had two monitors on my computer and began losing interest in work and family. Once I began dealing with multiple thousands of dollars I was in a constant state of adrenaline! I had the Wall Street Journal Fedexed daily and poured over numbers and information to make trades! I made over Five Thousand in one week and decided I was going to get rich at this! I became so confident that I began leveraging my stocks. The day finally came where I made a fatal mistake and lost over twenty thousand in three days. I stopped. Enough was enough. I turned off the TV and got back to work. I also kept this little secret to myself and only bragged about the Five grand I had made in one week. I had no idea that day trading was a gambling problem, nor did I know that day trading is a cardinal sin for one with an addictive personality.

Within months, I went to Las Vegas and won twenty one hundred at a crap table with my father. He left Vegas with his part and I left Vegas three thousand in the hole! I chalked up this experience to vacation and fun and let it go. Over the next few years I made more and more trips to Vegas and then a casino opened only an hour across the border from where I lived in Texas. My job as an outside salesman afforded the luxury to slip away and gamble and I did so more and more. As regular gambling became a part of my life I also owned race horses. I encouraged my wife to become a trainer to save us money and then sent her off to the race track to train our horses and allow myself more free time to gamble. I had no idea that I was already in too deep but just thought how much fun I was having. Within two years my wife of twenty five years left me for another man, and I sold my business and moved to the town where the casino was located. I couldn't stand to spend money so I moved into my travel trailer and sold my vehicle; rationalizing that I had a company vehicle. To make a long story short within a year I had lost a wonderful home and farm. Possessions that had taken years to gain. My wife was gone and I didn't own a vehicle. My house was 31 feet long and rocked when the wind blew. I made good money but almost never paid bills on time. I was at the casino every chance I got. I began using credit cards for cash and no matter how much I tried I couldn't stop! I remember walking across the parking lot heading into the casino thinking I wish the place would burn down. I won over four thousand dollars one morning and by 3 o'clock in the afternoon it was all gone. I couldn't win enough therefore I never won. My life became so emotional that I would come home and cry out to God to take the burden away.

Projects of any kind were impossible. There was no way I could visit relatives or friends. I had to stay close to the casino and could only live as long as I was there. After realizing the huge amount of debt I had and that my life was ruined I still couldn't make a stand. My weakness wouldn't allow it. One night around 1am I walked up to a cashier window to cash a check and the clerk handed me a piece of paper with a phone number and the name Dave on it. For some reason this brought me back to a semblance of reality. I was deeply ashamed this cashier knew my problem. Around 2am I called Dave from my truck and when he answered the phone I was crying so hard I couldn't speak. Dave began chuckling then laughing out loud. I almost hung up when he said Joey you're going to be OK. His words of confidence were intriguing so I stayed on the line. Dave continued by telling me to get a sheet of paper and a pen. We then made a list of chores I had to do the following day from washing the truck to cleaning my RV. The deal; was after I had performed these menial tasks I could gamble if I wanted to BUT; I had to call Dave after the last chore was completed. I agreed and went to bed.

Waking up to the sound of my phone ringing it was Dave. JOEY! HOWS IT GOING! Well, I am about to start the list. Dave said great and then told me to eat a healthy breakfast and not junk food. I began the chores and halfway through; the depression from the day before was gone and I just knew that a certain machine was about to hit. This machine had been loaded for days and almost always paid big every Saturday after being played all week. I just about decided to put another grand on my credit card and buy a win (meaning to play until it hit, with the hope of hitting before you spent your wad) and then the damn phone rang! Dave what is it? laughing he said you're about ready to get into some shit aren't you? (shit meaning gambling) No, I'm doing chores. Dave sounded suspicious when he asked, really? OK asshole I'm fixing to head to the casino! Cool how much money are you gambling with today? Around a grand I guess why do you want to know? Losing the hype talk he spoke in a calm voice and said Joey how much money have you stolen from your family? This question brought me back and I assured him I would continue with the chore lists.

Dave continued to call me on a regular basis for many days and on the days I stumbled and slipped he picked me up and helped me back on stable ground. Then one day he called and gave me another phone number and told me to call this lady right now! I called and the lady that answered the call was about to commit suicide! She had been a successful real estate agent in Vegas and developed a five thousand a day gambling habit. That morning her car had been repossessed and the bank was about to foreclose on her house. Her only way to survive was to move in with her daughter but didn't think her daughter would allow this because she hated her mothers gambling. After listening for several minutes I began to chuckle and then to laugh. I told her she had made the right call! I repeated everything Dave had told me and made her write a list of chores she could do. I talked with her for days and got her into a gamblers anonymous class there in Vegas. I then understood what Dave did and that THIS is how he overcame his own addiction to gambling!

I found a church that would allow us to use the facilities and started a gamblers anonymous group here in my own town. For the first month I attended for one hour every week and sat by myself reading pamphlets and thinking about ways to overcome. One Thursday night as I pulled into the parking lot a little old man pulled up and ask if this was the GA meeting? His name was Fred and he had a gambling problem.

We are now over a year into the GA meetings and we have several hard core gamblers who haven't gambled in months! I can testify that I haven't sported the perfect record but my gambling is almost non existent! We implemented a program in our state that is now being used in other states called self banning. Once a person self bans he or she will be arrested for criminal trespass upon entering a casino. If that person makes it inside without being noticed and hits a pot they will not be paid once their drivers license is checked. I am proud of this program and it helps so many people get started on the road to recovery.

I have learned so much since we began GA, Things like education is paramount to recovery! Did you know that Vegas has spent millions developing every color, bell, whistle and noise that you hear when playing to trigger pleasure endorphins in your mind. Anything that creates an endorphin will keep your attention (and separate you from your money) Whether It's drugs, alcohol or gambling. Character, Morals, and ethics are lost once a person becomes addicted. Addictions are not always overcome in some. Addictions become a disease that have deep roots and are extremely hard to kill off. Does this mean its impossible? NO! NO! NO! it can be done! YOU MUST GET IN A GROUP! You must find a quiet place and get serious about communication with a higher power! You must turn your life around and make your short time on this earth worth while. You and I can, and will, do this! We will overcome! We will be triumphant over our addictions, and we will share our stories and embrace those suffering the same fate!

I wrote this hub to unburden myself, to share with others who may be experiencing some of the same, and to encourage you to laugh and know that it will be ok. God bless.